Things Not to Do When You've Had One Glass of Wine Too Many

 

 

• Try and be witty and urbane on Facebook.  Your spelling abilities are shot to hell and your "fwends" think you're a fuckwit.

• Attempt to adjust your false eyelashes in a pub toilet mirror.  You will emerge with them having migrated to your forehead and the rest of the punters will think you're the drag act.

• Don't phone your friend in New Zealand.  It's 9am there and you are pissed while she is not.  She thinks you're an arse and is wondering why she ever hung around with you in the first place.

• Fill your hot water bottle from a freshly boiled kettle.  It is like trying to dress a cat.  Injury guaranteed.

• You will not pull if you've been on the red wine all night.  By now your teeth are purple.  If the venue you are in has UV lighting GO HOME, no one wants to snog a werewolf.

• Get a family photo album out.  There are dead people you miss very much in there.

• Pick out an outfit for work the next day.  When you wake up tomorrow you ain't 18 years old and you ain't a size 10.

• Compose a text message.  The recipient does not comprehend that "ima lit tening 2 Whomp" actually means you are blasting out Wham's greatest hits, have slapped some sluttish red lipstick on, are wearing odd dangly earrings and is now dancing like a complete mong in your living room.

• Phone your parents.