"Poke Your Father - See if He's Still Alive"

So my poor Daddy was chronically ill for the best part of 20 years.  Bits were always falling off him and we were on first name terms with the local paramedics.  But some parts of all that illness/nursing were bloody funny.

Aside from all the chest problems and numerous other medical issues Ekky also suffered from a condition where he couldn't close his eyes when he slept.  This was a little disconcerting for visitors because it was like one of them weird pictures where the eyes follow you round the room.

As he got more poorly it would catch us out too. 

I was up in The St Tropez of the North for a weekend.  Mother needed a break so we went shopping leaving Ekky in his armchair reading the flight arrival Telextext pages (why did he do that??), eating biscuits and moaning about John Prescott.

We get back after a couple of hours and Ekky's now stretched out on the sofa.  Eyes wide open - and we can't see his chest falling/rising.

Mother goes into the kitchen and lights a fag to cope with the possibility she's just become a widow.  I'm standing about like a spare prick at a wedding in the living room thinking "Oh no, me suits in the dry cleaners".

After a couple of deep drags she sticks her head round the kitchen door and instructs me "Poke your Father love, see if he's still alive."

So I poke Ekky in the shoulder and the 'corpse' barks "BLOODY HELL - CAN I NOT HAVE A KIP FOR 10 SODDING MINUTES WITHOUT ONE OF YOU FEMALES PRODDING ME?"

Over the next couple of years I had to "Poke your Father love, see if he's still alive" a few more times.  I don't think this technique has been adopted by the NHS as an ABC protocol.