Saturday, 21 May 2011

Ekky & the Case of the Toxic Pistachio Nut

Ekky suffered numerous bouts of pneumonia - one of which was self inflicted and incurred a ban of nut products from his diet for the remainder of his years.

He had been admitted into hospital once again, blue in the face and as Mother says "blowing for tugs".  The consultant was very unhappy with his prognosis particularly as he was failing to respond to his intravenous antibiotics.  I had dashed up the M6 once again to witness "The Creaking Gate" putting us through it one more time.

Mother and I were at his bedside, me wearing one his jumpers* because I'd barely had time to pack.  Mother was very anxious - Ekky was virtually delirious and didn't know where he was.  He thought he was watching a game at Goodison which sounded like he was well on his way to purgatory to me so things were not looking too good.   His chest was rattling, wheezing, rattling, rattling, wheezing.

Suddenly he sat bolt upright and gave an almighty lung-wrenching cough that nearly took his head off and spat something into his hand.

"Eurrrgghh - what's that?" Mother and I peer at the offending object.  "Fuck me"  I thought, "He has actually coughed a bit of himself up".
 
Mother located the consultant and brought him to Ekky's bedside to  inspect the material.  "Eurrrgghh" he said.  "That looks like a rotten pistachio nut".  Ekky looked a little guilty and pouted slightly.  "Oh, I think I might have breathed it in a couple of weeks ago.  I had a bit of a coughing fit while having me lunch and I think it went down the wrong way.  Why have you got my jumper on?" he said looking at me while blatantly attempting to change the subject.

Mother belted him across the head, "A bloody pistachio nut!  We're at sixes and sevens running up and down to this hospital because you breathed in A BLOODY NUT.  That's it Ekky Phenna - nuts are BANNED".

We took him home a few days later leaving the consultant even more bewildered than ever but somewhat relieved that the Phennas were off his patch.  Once home Ekky kept up a sustained campaign of underhand and sneaky methods to hoodwink family and friends to supply him with nuts.

"Do you want some trifle Eric?" a doddering relative would ask.  He'd pull his blue-eyed boy fluttery eyelashes routine and accept the offer.  I'd already frisked it for a chopped nuts topping in the kitchen and took his spoon off him while simultaneously shoulder charging the hostess back into her serving hatch.
 
"Can I have an almond slice?" he'd ask in the bakers. 
- "No, no nuts Daddy" you 'd tell him. 

"Do you want some chocolate from the newsagents?"
- "Yes please"
"What type?"
- "Cadbury's Fruit & Nut"
"Oh, behave"

* Mother is a prodigious producer of vile knitwear, the like not seen frequently outside dog baskets

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