Blokes being Blokey

I had to come home early today from the salt mine because there was a danger I was going to stab someone.  On my own team.

I love everyone on my team dearly (apart from the Freaky Developer on the end who is just fucking weird) and they are huge fun to work with but they are all blokes and blokes in the workplace can do your head in.  Hence the following list of Annoying Bloke Things that Blokes do in the Workplace.

Stare at the phone when it rings as if it is a piece of glowing Kryptonite.  Er - hello, we're supposed to be offering technical support so that means answering the phone.  Don't look at me - I'm too busy propping up a multimillion pound turnover system single handedly and I don't talk to users who want a new fucking mouse mat.

Eat crisps as if amplified down a megaphone. And then pick your teeth.

Wander off to lunch but don't actually tell anyone that you've gone for lunch so when someone finally answers the phone to a user we have no idea where you are or what time you'll be back.

Take the piss out of the users first and foremost

Take an hour for lunch and then come back and piss about on the internet for another half an hour.

Talk to your wife/girlfriend in some stupid squeaky voice like the rest of us can't hear you. Typically the conversations ends with "Love you, bye, love you".  Then you put the receiver down, scratch your nuts and have a good cough.

When you have a cold produce the loudest and wettest sneezes possible so the entire room gets sprayed.  Oh and keep sniffing phlegm down the back of your throat because that's really attractive.

Insist I check your spelling/grammar even though you're just writing out a PostIt note.

Forget to bring your office keys to work and then pretend you've left them in the car.  Even worse - sneak mine off my desk so I think I've lost the plot.

Go the to the newsagents and not ask anyone did they want anything.  You tight arsed get.

Maintain your desk tidiness level at "Fuck me. someone has let off a hand grenade in a Slinky factory" level.  When you can't get any more crap on the desk spread it around on any other flat surface you can reach.  Oh and stockpile any cardboard boxes you can for at least six months - about enough to start a homeless commune in the car park.

Borrow my scissors and not put them back.  Wankers.